Prize County - With Love

Cave In – Antenna

Converge – Axe to Fall

11.09.09 6:21pm

Reading back on these last two entries, I realized there are a great many things I wanted to write about that I didn’t get to. I feel like I’m wallowing in self-pity and that it’s preventing me from getting things done. I’m going to give it another go here, sorry if this feels even more disjointed than my normal entries.  All I can say is I’m in a weird place.

Thursday night Crime Time, Out of Reach and four friends climbed into Jeremy’s van and headed up to Washington State for two shows. The van was over crowded and freezing cold. The headliner is missing and so is any form of insulation it would have provided. The van’s heater has two settings, always on and never on. Even in the “always on” position it only heats the front of the van. It should be noted that it heats the front of the van to near intolerable levels. So your choices in the van are trying to bundle yourself up and tolerate the cold in the back, or sitting up front and enduring the full heat output of the engine. Adam from Out of Reach took the first shift behind the wheel. He hung in for nearly seven hours, what a trooper. I like the kids in Out of Reach and I really like the music they make. I have a hard time relating to them due to our age difference. I’m literally old enough to be their father.

I wore shorts for the drive thinking it would be more comfortable. Hind sight is 20/20. Half way through the ride I had to bundle up in my sleeping bag to try and endure the cold. I was riding in the back of the van and the bare metal of the roof was dripping with condensation, there was no room to move or find anything even close to a comfortable position. Thirteen seats, thirteen asses and at least thirteen hours ahead of us. This was not going to be fun.

I really wasn’t looking forward to this trip in the first place. Crime Time just recorded a demo and the band decided shortly after hearing the rough mixes that my vocal style wasn’t what they wanted. I don’t know why it took them so long, but that isn’t really important. The situation was they didn’t like what I was doing and I can’t really do what they want anymore. Age and abuse have ravaged my vocal cords, I can’t scream for prolonged periods anymore. What the band wanted was what I did in Twice, I don’t have it in me.  It’s a real let down. From the first time I heard Crime Time with their original singer I wanted to sing for them. I had an idea for what I thought the voice of the band should be and I felt I could deliver. Listening to the demos I feel like I delivered what I set out to do. It’s, unfortunately, not what they were hoping to hear. The short version is I’m not in the band anymore. However, they wanted to finish out the shows we’ve committed to. Fair enough.
As the night dragged on I tried to sleep unsuccessfully. I dropped in and out all night, but nothing that could be considered “sleep”.

I could write all night about the things that happened but instead here’s a short list, Adam narrowly avoided hitting a huge deer, we ran out of gas twice and got pulled over by two of the nicest cops in California. My iPod got a piece of a ¼ inch jack broken off in the headphone jack and was rendered useless. Leaving me at the mercy of whatever a group of seventeen to twenty years olds thought would be fun to sing along to. Normally all these things would be part of tour, I’d take them in stride.  But in my depressed and foul mood, I was in a self-imposed Hell. We somehow managed to avoid hypothermia in the back and heat exhaustion in the front. We made to the house in Grapeview, Washington at around 2:00pm Friday. Everyone staked out a claim to a couch, chunk of floor or a bed. I climbed into the back of the now empty van bundled up in my sleeping bag and slept alone in the freezing rain until show time. Laying there listening to the rain, and at times hail, pounding the roof of the van, I felt for the first time since we left Reno, happy. I’m sure what that says about me, or the trip, but it was short lived. We had to be at the venue early, the show had to be over by 10:00pm.

When we got to the house we were playing at there were already a fair amount of kids hanging out. Most were crowded around a pair of computers watching two kids play a video game. I heard numerous times kids joking about cancelling the show and just playing the game all night. I did not have high hopes for the evening.

All my fears were put to rest once the first band started. They played pretty much by the numbers metalcore but they did it well. I enjoyed their set. We were up next, I decided to try and scream more since that’s what the band wanted to hear. I wrestled with the decision because it felt like compromising a part of myself, but in the end, I decided it’s not my band anymore so I did what I thought the band would like. It worked out for the most part. The band was happy and the kids seemed to enjoy it, I felt like shit after both physically and mentally. I still can’t really talk. I wasn’t having fun, outside of the time we were performing; I decided the best thing for everyone was for me to find my own way home after the show the next night. I spoke to Jeremy about, he understood and agreed. He’s a good guy, very level headed.

After the show we had another run in with some cops. This time a neighbor called and said kids were smoking pot in a van outside his house. The stopped us, questioned us and let us go. What are the odds of meeting four nice cops in one weekend? We went back to the house, ate some food and crashed. Before bedtime Jeremy was able to fix my iPod and things got a lot more bearable. I slept on a couch in the living room; most everyone else was either upstairs in one of two guest rooms or downstairs in the bedroom of our host. I was up and ready for action at 8:30am no one else even made a sound till after 10:00am. I used my time to catch up on some reading and writing. Just outside the house was a beautiful lake that I had an amazing view of from the couch. If I had a cup of coffee it would have been a perfect morning.
I was having a hard time getting along with anyone since we left home. I didn’t want to be there and I didn’t want deal with the fact that my age-ravaged voice was pushing me out of a band I love. I was making every effort not to bring down the rest of the crew, but I think everyone knew something was off.
It’s time for some food. I’ll write more later. 7:21pm

8:00pm

My plan all day had been to get on a bus or a train after the second show. Des got online and tried to set it up for me, seemed easy enough.

We spent a good chunk of the day waiting for everyone else to get up. We had planned on getting some food and then going to a house and relaxing in a hot tub.  I wasn’t really interested in that I would have liked to see some of the surrounding town. Everyone needed the sleep so it wasn’t a big deal. We did eventually get to the hot tub I didn’t get in just sat back and watched the hilarity. These are really some good kids. They have fun all the time. Nothing really seems to bring them down for too long. I envy that quality.

We needed to be at the venue by 4:30pm, one of the local kids was making us some vegan pasta and vegan brownies and once again the show needed to be over early. Everyone I met was really nice and treated us well. The first band that played was called Vacate and they were damn good. Young kids giving it their all, I love to see that.  Up next were Breaking Ground, we stayed at the guitarist house the night before. I missed them at the show last night. I went out to the van after the Out of Reach set to catch my breath and end up crashing out until after the show. I felt bad about it since not only had they set us up with two shows, but also given us food and shelter. I made it a point to see their whole set at the second show. I’m glad I did too, I really liked their music and their message was on point. We were up next and played well. I talked too much and said some melancholy bullshit about my time in CT coming to an end and told a convoluted story about the origin of one our songs.  I could see some of the kids losing interest, but for some reason couldn’t shut it off.

In between bands Des was texting me about travel options. As it turned out the bus I needed to be on left the bus station (one block away from the venue) while I was performing. There was a bus leaving the next day but there was no way to set up a reservation online and the ticket office would be closed on Sunday. There was a train leaving at 11:45 Sunday morning but I had no place to stay until then and it would’ve cost almost $200. I was stuck in the van for the duration.

Out of Reach started playing as the realization that I had another thirteen hour van ride in my immediate future.  They’d played in this area before and kids knew some of their songs, they got a well deserved warm reception. I have seen them play a bunch.  We’ve played more than a few bills in the past few months. This night was the best I’d ever seen them. They were on fire and immediately won over the kids who hadn’t seen them before.  They killed and I was really happy for them. Vanguard was up next, I’ve seen them a few times on tour with Wait in Vain, and they did not disappoint. After the show we hung out for awhile, talked to kids, made some new friends and loaded gear. I made it a point to take the front seat on the trip home. I wasn’t really nice about it and stayed there until we hit Reno. It was selfish, I know, but I couldn’t take another round of backseat nonsense. I stayed awake the whole night and kept Jeremy company while he drove. At one point as we were hunting for a gas station, a guy pulled up next to us and told us our tail lights were out. We stopped, Jeremy fixed the problem (which as it turns out he was expecting) and we were back on the road. A few miles later we hit a patch of black ice on a two lane forest highway. I was sure we were going to crash. In the side view mirror I could see the side of the trailer we were towing and in the rear view I could see the car behind us sliding sideways. Jeremy had a look of serine acceptance on his face that chilled me to the bone. He managed to pull it together and we were OK. Two times after that we ran out of gas but still managed to get home. I was really happy to see Reno. On every other trip out of town with a band I felt a wave of depression hit me as we closed in on home, this time I couldn’t wait to be done with it.

Leaving this band is hard for me. I love the music and I love the other members. For the first time since NameMeNoone broke up I actually wanted to sing. I felt like I had something to say again. With everything that’s been going wrong for me this year, this band felt like home. I didn’t want to be a singer again, I was happy playing guitar and letting someone else have the spot light. That was until I heard Crime Time.  I really wanted to be Crime Time’s singer. I don’t know if that makes sense. It’s unbearably depressing to have to step down so the band can be what they want to be. I’ll do it because I do love them and I want them to be successful, but I won’t be happy about it. Overall I’m glad I kept my word, I’m glad I did the shows, but the trip will not hold many fond memories for me. It will be something I did because I felt obligated. And it will be a stark reminder that I cannot do the things I could even five years ago.

11.09.09 11:54am – Reno, NV

You know what they say about the best laid plans…
My bus trip home never happened. The bus I needed left while I was on stage Saturday night. The next one left at the same time the next day however small town Washington Greyhound stations aren’t set up for internet reservations and their ticket offices are closed Sundays. I’m basically fucked. Fourteen hours in that van. Fourteen hours of shitty music and no sleep. Fuck it. Endure.

The show went great, all the bands played well. Out of Reach, our van-mates, played better than I’ve ever seen them. I screamed the whole set, not to make anyone happy but because my voice is shot and it was all I had. Even now I can’t talk much.
The van ride home wasn’t as bad as the ride up. I took the front passenger seat and just refused to move. I stayed up and played the role of navigator to Jeremy. He drove until well after the sun came up and then one of the youngsters took over and I kept up my role. I was awake for twenty-seven hours total. I also took control over the music that was played in the van. It may sound rude or even downright mean, but at that point it was about survival. Mine.

Jeremy hit a patch of black ice and for a brief moment I was sure we were over. We were on the wrong side of the highway and Jeremy had zero control over the van. I looked in the driver- side mirror and could see the side of the trailer. That’s never good. Both sides of the highway were lined with dense old growth forest. Anyone one of those trees could have destroyed the van on impact. Jeremy pulled it out and we laughed it off. I don’t think anyone else in the van was awake. Probably for the best. We ran out of gas twice but had a five gallon gas can just for that situation so no harm, no foul. The highway we were on is an artery through small town Oregon and California. No real major cities or truck stops. Most of the gas stations we drove past were closed. No twenty-four hour services.  Not the best situation when you get eight miles to the gallon with a fifteen gallon tank, but we made it.

On most out-of-town trips with bands I get hit with an unshakable depression on the journey home. This trip was very different. I couldn’t fucking wait to see the Reno skyline.  I couldn’t wait to be home and out of that van.  I’m glad the trip is over. I’m glad I kept my word and played the shows, but overall the trip was a mistake.  I have one more show I’ve committed to in December and then Crime Time and I will end our relationship. I feel like we’re all still friends and that’s important. I’m sure I’ll share the stage with them again at some point with my new band. I’ll support them and hope they find the singer they are looking for, but I’m glad I’m out.

Twice on this trip we drove through Portland OR. It’s one of my favorite places to be on the west coast. It was near heartbreaking to see that skyline and know I wouldn’t be wandering those streets and hitting my favorite haunts.  I’ll have to plan a trip and spend some time there soon.

11.07.09 10:00am - Grapeview, WA

The show went well last night. I tried to scream more because that’s the sound the band wants. They seemed to be happy with it but today my throat is sore and I feel like I faked it. After the show tonight I’m getting on a bus and heading home. I can’t spend any more time in that van.  I haven’t had any time to write at all due in large part to the conditions in the van. The other band we’re traveling with brought four friends with them. All thirteen seats in the van have an ass planted firmly in them. It’s cramped and very uncomfortable. Sleep is near impossible. We left Reno at 11:30pm Thursday and arrived here at almost 2:00pm Friday. I was able to fall out for a few minutes here a there but not enough.

It’s been cold and raining non-stop. When we arrived at the house we’re staying at I shoved my gear to the back of the van and sacked out in the cold until show time. The solitude was amazing. As we were entering Oregon we were listening to my IPod over the FM transmitter. As the IPods were being swapped out the ¼ inch jack that connects the player to the transmitter broke off inside my headphone jack. Jeremy was able to repair it once we got to the house but I was in Hell from the Portland area until after the show. Stuck listening to the shit seventeen year old boys think is funny. There is a huge part of popular culture I intentionally avoid. Last night it was shoved down my throat.  I do really like these kids, but they are just kids. I’m as old as, or older, than some of their parents.

Coming on this trip was a mistake. I love to travel, I love the road and I love the show. But I need to do it on my terms. This isn’t working for me. I’ll do my job on stage tonight and my reward will be the solitude of a Greyhound bus and my headphones.

The house we’re staying in is on a lake. I slept on the couch in the living room.  I woke up to the view of this beautiful lake out the sliding glass door. There was a small break in the rain, the sun was peeking through and everyone else was still asleep. I live for moments like these.

11.06.09 5:24pm

Gearing up to hit the road with Crime Time. There are two shows in Washington this weekend that I committed to before recording. After recording I found out the band doesn’t like my vocal style. Awesome. Every fiber of my being is telling to stay home. Doing these shows seems like a complete waste of my time. But I committed to them and I’m keeping my word. Even it means putting myself in an uncomfortable situation for a few days. The road feels like home to me. I have a hard time passing up a chance to travel. I like the people in the band and should be able to have a good time. The situation is fucked and I’m pissed off about the whole thing. I don’t know why it took them until we recorded to decide my voice wasn’t working for them, or why they’d want me to do the shows if they don’t like my voice. At this point it’s not my band. I’m a hired gun. Point me at a crowd and I’ll do my job. These two shows and one more in December and my commitments to Crime Time are complete.  Then I’ll move on to the next thing.

So far the “next thing” is called Doing Time on Devils Island. It’s Aaron (Ex-Scaring Sparrows) playing bass, me on guitar and Ryan Porter playing drums. We’re searching for a singer and/or second guitarist but my gut tells me I’ll be pulling double duty as singer and guitarist. I’ve done it before and enjoyed it. I just worry that I won’t be able to play some of the riffs I wrote while singing. I’m writing well beyond my playing level. It feels good to push myself that hard and I’m getting over a lot of my mental road blocks that have been holding me back from being the guitarist I want to be.  The music is something I’ve wanted to play for a long time. Mid 90’s post-hardcore. I’m emulating bands I’ve listened to for ten years or more.

I need to try and get some sleep before we make the long drive tonight. More to come.

11.02.09 10:24pm